As I sit here preparing myself to write about myself, a big sigh comes over me. I can feel this weight within me, sitting with me. I can feel it blocking my inner flow. So as I type, I type what I feel. This helps me to begin to shift my focus from this weighted feeling, to the feeling of flow I want to move into. Sometimes in noticing and naming what is present, allows us to move into an opening, and it’s in this opening that invites a level of clarity and connection.
I can begin to feel my crown open up. And myself moving out of my mental limitations. Writing for me has always been a challenge, although when I am in a channel state of flow I can write for hours. But words elude me sometimes, and then I end up going down into the rabbit hole. When too many doubts, or mental chatter is at play I freeze. It overwhelms my senses and energy body and puts me in a contracted space.. Which is not really what I want.
So here I am sharing my process in real time with you (as real as it can get). So now that I have shifted my state let me introduce myself… but where do you begin?
Well you know how people can go lifetimes in not knowing what they are here for? Well that would be me. I seemed to float around, and blow with the wind without any sense of direction. My life you could say is random, with no main point or mission in that way. Until just a couple weeks ago, it hit me. Intuition.. And creation. These are my two main focuses. Let me speak to Intuition first.
Intuition…
When I look back on my life I see life in two ways; I either opted to live by completely following and trusting in my intuition or denying it completely. Whenever I followed my intuition, things just seemed to work out and flow as if they were magnets coming together naturally from two opposing ends. And well I am sure you can relate to not following your intuition.. It’s like climbing uphill in a waterfall when all the water is flowing downward.
…I digress and continue instead sharing my internal process as I witness within myself the ebbs and flows of allowing and connecting to my inner flow. Thus began what felt like a conversation between my mental mind and my higher self.
What’s present for me right now?
I feel a combination of self doubt, coupled by frustration of not knowing how to move forward and make money, and squished in between my lack of ability to surrender to the present moment. Feeling like I am behind. Feeling the pressure from within and outside of me (or perceivable outside of me).
How do I shift out of this state?
Create a party and invite Doubt, Unsure, and Uncertainty and maybe even that tiny ting of Insecurity.
Say to them “I see you all here, and I am so grateful for your willingness to be in the same space together. I see you. I feel you. I am here for you. I know you are feeling activated for one reason or another and I am sorry you feel this way. I am here to tell you all that I love you, exactly as you are.
I love you, doubt.
I love you, unsureness.
I love you, uncertainty.
I love you, insecurity.
You can choose to be this way or let me offer you another way. Let me remind you that you are so powerful, and knowledgeable and have so much to offer. You radiate love and you have such a beautiful heart for helping others. It is okay not to know or have all the answers but remember that the universe, and all your support teams are here for you; guiding you and loving you along the way. They got you. For you have nothing to worry about.
Your only job is to simply be. To allow what wants to flow through you. And remember that what is ready to be shared, will be shared. What is ready to be heard, will be heard.
You cannot compare yourself to a future moment, for you do not live in the future in this reality. You are a human, embodying soul, right here right now. Let go of the notion of comparing yourself to your future self. If you were to compare yourself to your past self, you will see how far you have come. Let go of the need to compare yourself to this imaginary version of yourself. Come back into the present moment and remember that you are whole as you are. That you are complete as you are. That there is nothing more that exists beyond this moment.“
My mind interjects.. But time is moving so fast and I feel like this approach is so slow. What if I miss out on an opportunity. I am so used to moving faster, that just being in the present moment scares me because I feel like I am missing out.
“If you mean to say you are missing out on life, that is to say that you are missing out on living. What quality of life are you seeking? To miss something means to long for or want something you do not have. But in the moment, you have everything you need. This is a state of completion. Feeling complete in the moment allows you to let life lead you. To let go of your tight grasp on how you feel it needs to be, and to simply let it BE.”
I feel it softening.. But I am surprised how it comes up again so strongly, needing to do X and needing to do Y. And then losing my trust in things not working out. Of needing to make a decision or perform in some way.
“Perhaps your desire to need to do something is to fill a part of you that needs you. What do you really need? What does that part of you truly long for? If you are reaching out to need to be in action, or need to make a decision – what are you avoiding? As it sounds, you are moving away from the center point of this present moment. You are disconnecting from your inner flow. And perhaps it is this disconnect that is causing you the discomfort within. This part of you is avoiding being and living in your center. May I ask why?
Because I am scared to move forward. I am scared to actually have all that I know I deserve. I am creating this chaos within myself on purpose. It is serving a purpose.. To avoid myself from moving forward.
Every time I go to work on my ‘stuff’, on the things that actually matter to me, all this chaos kicks up. I feel this has been put in place, by me, to slow me down from actually living/creating what I am here for.
You are inviting in more of you when you can simply be, and allow in each moment. This gift of your beingness, as you call it, is one that wants to be anchored. For you have a place here. And you have every right to be planted, nurtured, and loved for all that you are.