I am writing about love. Not something I would ever do. As I had always had an aversion to love. But something new has arisen with me today that I wanted to capture.
You see for all my life I see I have orchestrated, and created the reality in which love was very hard to come by. I created scenarios, and situations where love was abused, or not given so kindly. Even when love would reveal itself, through the expression of another, I would do everything in my power to not let it in, or last too long. I would sabotage the connection, or get so angry and push it away.
I see the inner turmoil I caused myself because of my own inability to receive love. When others got too close, and gave me so much love in their own way I would do anything I could within my own mind to bury myself deeper into the hole, so that no love could seep in. I was a master at this. I ventured too many times into the darkness to block the light and love from coming in. So much so that I disconnect myself from all that brings the fullness of life into oneself. Those times were the most challenging, and I am grateful for those that stuck by me and continued to do their best to show me that I am loved, and that I am worthy of it.
My biggest fear was letting others in.. and receiving the love they wanted to give.
I recall a precious moment with this beautiful dog that I looked after, she was like my guardian angel. The first few nights with her she didn’t come close to me. She was a sensitive soul, but I could also feel her desire to connect with me. She was the biggest mirror for me. I saw myself in her as she fought this part of herself, distancing out of fear, but longing to be close. I sobbed feeling helpless in not knowing how to connect with her. I sat quietly, calming my nervous system, connecting to my heart, as a way to communicate with her that I am here when she is ready. A couple days later, as I sat on the step attempting another technique of looking away from her, sitting on the step, low and behold she came over to me and rested her head on my shoulder. I could feel in that moment the love that I too longed for. She cracked my heart wide open.
She reconnected me to a part of myself that I lost. A part of me that left, when my cat transitioned many years before. As I call back these parts of myself I feel a new sense of life within me. A new plant is growing within me. And it needs love in order to thrive. And in order to feed it with the love that I know it needs, this requires me to let love in. To open up to others, to connect with others, to share my authentic and creative self. To be myself in all that I know that I am. And to allow others to see me, to love me in their own way.
I am not out to seek love from others, for I know this is what I can do for myself. However, I know that it is a natural part of life to give, and receive love. I see that in my previous limited capacity to love, and be love, I was restricting the flow of love, and ultimately the flow of life. I was trying to control love, I was trying to predict it, to keep my bubble intact so that I didn’t get to experience all the beauty that love can bring.
But today, I am committed to opening that bubble and letting others in. Letting myself be seen for who I am, and the path I have taken. I know there were many times where I acted in ways that weren’t love at all, and for that has grown heavy on my heart. But I know that it was part of the process, part of living, of growing and becoming all that we can be.
I have given up so much in my life to keep taking the steps towards coming back to love for myself. I have let people, places, and greater opportunities go because I didn’t feel worthy of love. I have let my creations, my visions, and ideas go because I didn’t feel worthy of love. I have painted my world dark because I felt I didn’t deserve love. I chose the path of self abandonment, self neglect, and self sabotage because I didn’t feel worthy of love.
And I have nobody to blame.. Not even me. For that was part of the process. But now, as I see so clearly, that love is not something to reject or push aside; that it is to be welcomed with open arms, and to be experienced with the fullness of who we are. So here I am standing arms wide open, ready to receive the love that I am. Willing to allow the connections and beings that are here to support each other to move into deeper expansion of love for self.
This love, she’s pure.
She lives inside of you.
She knows you.
She feels you.
She hears you.
She is you.
This journey has been one of unlearning, of stripping away the barriers I built against love, and remembering that love is not something to fear—it is something to embody. Love, in its purest form, has always been here—waiting, patient, unwavering. It has never abandoned me, even when I turned away. It has never stopped whispering, even when I refused to listen. Today, I choose to listen. I choose to welcome love, not as something fleeting or conditional, but as an ever-present force that flows through me, through all of us.
And so, with open arms, I step forward (and invite you to do the same)—not seeking, not chasing, but simply allowing. Allowing love to move through me, to guide me, to be expressed in all that I do. Because love is not outside of me, love is me.